Denying Death

"We live in a death-denying culture." I heard this statement on a Showtime preview for a series called Time of Death. I cannot watch it. Not because I don't want to, I think if I could I would, but I do not have Showtime. It was just something I came across. The statement the woman made about our culture today could not be more true. I have found it such a relief when people talk about death. Death of a loved one, death of someone they knew of or their own eminent death. Having faced sudden death in our family more often than others, I wish it was talked about more. I don't want to talk about it to be a Debbie Downer, but I wish it were not such a scary topic. Because it is not, this is what creates the elephant in the room. This is what makes people uncomfortable or unable to make eye contact, the inability and fear to speak about death.

Birth is such a celebration. Of course! The discussion of a new life is filled with such excitement and anticipation, conversation and celebration. The discussion of death is so foreign and taboo. It's scary, yes. It's scary because it can happen at any time, it is out of our control. It's scary because of the unknown. We all have an idea of how we think it will be after this life. We have hope to see our loved ones again, but its also uncertain. Its scary.

Death is eminent. Death will happen to each of us, just as our birth did. I once asked Steven if he was afraid to die. (Completely random conversation) Death used to be my biggest fear. He said he was not afraid to die and I was so surprised by his answer. I asked him why? Why wasn't he afraid of the unknown? He said when it was his time to go it was his time to go. Why live in fear of that? He shrugged it off as if I had asked when he was going to eat a cheeseburger again. When it happens, it happens. I remembered this conversation of ours while I was at the hospital with him saying my goodbyes. I had laid my head on his chest staring up at him. I had stopped sobbing. I was in the room with him, he was already gone. I think a hospice person was in there, my brother came in and was sitting behind me with his arms around me. It was silent. I suddenly felt this crazy calm. My breathing had become more relaxed. Maybe this was when the state of shock had set in. The hospice person told me to listen to Steven. He was speaking to me, calming my soul. This was when I remembered this conversation we had had a few years back. It gave me comfort knowing he wasn't scared. He had come to terms with the fact that one day, it was going to be his time.

Death is not my biggest fear any longer. Like Steven said, when its time, its time. I now know I didn't fear it because of the unknown, I feared it because I felt like I had so much living to do still. I didn't want to leave this world that was so exciting to be a part of. Sometimes I wonder if this is why Steven crammed everything into every hour of every day. Sleep was a waste of time for Steven. He got just enough sleep, but never more than 6 hours. He was up moving the next morning. New project in mind, new hobby, new idea, dirt bikes, cars to fix, riding to do, school to attend, work, work work, phone conversations to have. He never slowed down. Maybe he just knew he wouldn't be here long. There was always such an urgency to do things NOW. Not later, NOW. Busy, moving, always on the go. Its easy to go back now and look at these things and wonder if the world works in weird way and this is why things happened this way or this is why he was this way. Im sure its just the human mind attempting to make sense of something so incredibly hard to understand. I believe death is almost too bog of a concept to wrap the human mind around, like birth. The fact that a baby can be created in 9 months is mind-blowing. Maybe if we talked about death more tho, it wouldn't so hard to try to understand.

Steven wasn't afraid. I am grateful we had that conversation. It was quick and short, but having remembered that conversation, gave me a little ease knowing he wasn't scared.

I wish death was something spoken of more often. I know it makes peoples stomaches turn, but maybe it wouldn't if you talked about it more? I would bet if it were talked about more, widows wouldn't feel so ousted and different. I remember those who came around after Steven died. Those who called, check on me, and made eye contact with me. I will forever be grateful to those few. Few. Some that I had lost contact with and suddenly were calling me daily. Taking me out, stopping by my house, listening to me and asking me quesitons. I also remember those who turned in the other direction in the grocery store because they didn't know what to say. I remember those that just completely avoided me. Next time you see a friend who has just lost a loved one, walk straight up them, hug them, tell them you have been thinking of them. Don't be scared of death. We have just faced it, were not scared any more.

Link to Showtime Preview
http://www.sho.com/sho/time-of-death/home