A distraction. Today I need a distraction. I typically spend the last few days and today living what I lived 3 years ago. My mind takes me to places I wish never occurred and I'm consumed with dread. I feel a black shadow is placed over me and I carry the weight of death, loss and grief. This year is a little different. I am distracted with Jake and his medical needs. Of all days, his MRI was scheduled for today. I contemplated rescheduling it. But I knew it needed to be done and just getting it scheduled is a pain. I also knew it needed to be done before the next addition arrives. There, the second distraction. I've been contracting and in lots of pain. Thinking Trenton may arrive early, hoping it would not be today. Distractions. Can be a blessing and a curse. All of a sudden June 5th is here. I'll be honest, I've avoided Facebook for the past several months. Deleted the app off my phone. It was doing more harm than good for me. I truly want to delete it altogether, but there is this string that keeps me attached. Knowing I have that access to my widowed community, Jakes KT community and photography. Knowing people can contact me directly if needed and makes me easier to find. I've used Facebook to share our story and open others eyes. I'll keep it. When I think about it, as much as Facebook can feel like a bad thing, it has been a blessing too. Will power is all I needed. I have used incredible will power not to go on it tho unless need be. I have found that I have not missed it one bit.
So I'm sitting at Rady Children's Hospital. Not the place I want to be spending today. If I had a choice, I'd be at the beach with my boys, pizza for dinner, living. Living is what Steven would have wanted for us. Instead, we are here. Travis and I had to hold Jake down while a mask was placed over his little face and he slumped into a deep sleep. I walk away from him with panic and fear, praying it all goes smoothly and I can hold him and take him home this afternoon, with the thought lingering in the back of my mind that things don't always go the way you want. All of a sudden, the deep dread, grief and cloak of sorrow are draped over me. The "what ifs " consume my mind. So I sit here and Travis asks me if I've looked at Facebook. No I say, why let one sad thing replace another because I can only imagine the posts I'll find about Steven and be reminded of what today really is. He says I should look. He says it's a good thing. So he leaves to get lunch and I log on to the Internet Facebook. Knowing I will see things about Steven, I find myself smiling. Laughing at a video Amanda posted of Steven using a hula hoop, the picture of Bryce and Steven making the same face, a picture of Steven kissing my brother bald head, memories that bring back such joy. Thank you to everyone who is sharing Stevens life today. For today, I am grateful for Facebook. Today I am reminded of all of the people who loved Steven so much, who will share him with his boys and who will continue to love and live and carry on his memory.
I often avoid feeling the loss of Steven. June 5th is not something I can avoid. I wished last night I could go to sleep and wake up Friday morning. Didn't happen. The pain is deeper than I've ever thought pain could be. I skim the surface of that pain daily. In the small reminders of what he is missing, in the reminders of what the boys are missing and in the reminders of what I miss about having him around. The surface pain is enough to remind me he's gone and enough to hurt. Feeling the entire pain is a place I cannot go. I'm sure those that feel the loss of Steven or any loved one understand.
So I sit here, waiting for Jake to come out of his MRI, waiting to kiss his face and take him home. Thank you to everyone who has loved, supported and continues to share Stevens life.
