A few weeks ago, I was harshly reminded that things are out of my control. I hesitate writing about this. Sharing everything, nearly everything, can feel a bit invasive. Yet I know I am not the only one to have had a scare.
I have finally reached a point in this pregnancy where I feel I can function like a normal human being again. Nausea has subsided, somewhat, and my energy is slowly coming back. Realization that I am pregnant is setting in and soon we find out the gender very soon. 15 weeks and counting. I've made it past the worst part, for me at least. Then a stupid me moment. Thursday, while outside with the boys, I was walking into the house and the rug at the door slipped out right from under my foot. I went down on my butt and I went down hard. My shoulder hit the door way and my hands were full so my butt took the brunt of it all. Fantastic. I sat there a minute a little dazed and very sore. Knowing I would hurt over the next few days. I was very thankful though that the fall was on my butt and not my belly. Ok, I thought, I'll be very sore. I got up and went about my day.
The next day, I started to bleed. Not just spot. For those mommies who have been pregnant, you know thats not a good sign. I called my doctor, who would need to take a message and return my call, thanks Kaiser, and opted to go into the emergency room rather than wait. With Kaiser, I had been told my hospital options were only Inland Valley Hospital in Wildomar and Riverside Kaiser. Well Inland Valley is only 10 minutes up the freeway. Easy, right? Not so much. I have not been off that offramp or taken a glance at that hospital since Steven passed. Although in 2008 that hospital was a place of pure joy when Bryce was born, in 2011 it was where we lost Steven. So I assumed my only option was a drive to Riverside. (Yes, this is the great stuff that comes with the loss of a spouse. Things most people wouldn't have to think about, yet gives me anxiety through the roof!) Great. By chance, I decided to call Rancho Springs Medical Center in Murrieta and thank goodness they were also contracted with Kaiser. Travis left work, came home to get me, and we left. Thankfully, Josie was here visiting, which turned into babysitting and she was able to stay with the boys until my mom came over.
Travis and I drove to the hospital, continuing to tell ourselves it was nothing and we would be ok and the baby was ok. My head was reeling, thinking I can't manage another loss. Another loss? No, good things are supposed to be happening. Maybe if this is a loss again, its my excuse to have a complete emotional and mental breakdown. Maybe this is whats going to to do it. Could this be the last straw? I also knew deep down that if it were the worst case scenario, I WOULD be ok. I have to be ok. I don't have time to break down.
Long story short, it was all ok. The fall tore the placenta away from the wall a little, but not enough to cause concern. I was told to continue to watch myself, cramping, bleeding, etc. and sent home.
Seeing that little babies heartbeat was such a relief. Travis was amazed during the entire ultrasound. I don't think I looked at the screen once, I think I watched him the entire time. He asked so many questions. He couldn't believe how active the baby was and that I couldn't feel it. He was in love. It was amazing. We tried to get the nurse to read the gender, but because it was not a medical emergency to do so, she couldn't tell us. We will continue to wait until I am 20 weeks along for that ultrasound.
A fall. Just a fall, on my bottom, could have changed our world.
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