A grieving child = a grieving mom

You would think that after almost 3 years past losing Steven, a childs grief would be done. They're children, they're resilient, they take things better than adults and continue to move forward. Right? Wrong. Bryce will of course grieve in a much different way than Jake. Bryce has always been older for his age, he knows things all too well. Jake had just turned 1 when Steven died. He knows who Dad Steven is in pictures, but never asks any questions beyond that. Bryce on the other hand, is so much like Steven, we often remind him how much  like his Dad Steven he is. I think that as Jake gets older, we will see a lot of Steven in his as well.

The night Steven died, Bryce knew. He was asleep in the car with Jake when we made it to the hospital. I had jumped out of another car to get inside, only to find Steven was already gone. The boys I had left in the care of my Aunt Christie and family in another car. From what I know, they had remained asleep. After seeing Steven and being with him, I was told Bryce needed me. I walked out of the room and someone handed me Bryce and his blanket. He was hysterical. He was crying for his Daddy, he was grieving. As I walked around the ER with him, trying to console him and make sense of what was happening, I was looking around yelling at my family and asking them who had told Bryce Steven had died? I was furious! Who had told a 3 year old his Daddy was gone?! I can remember people looking at me with big eyes and my mom telling me that no one said anything. I will never doubt that Steven came to Bryce in his dreams as he slept in the car. I believe in the depths of my soul that he kissed him goodbye as he slept. Bryce was 3, he grieved.

I remember going to a seminar at Camp Widow in 2012. It was for widows with kids. The woman hosting the seminar had 3 kids with her late husband another son with her new husband. She made a point that really stuck with me. She said that children will grieve in different stages.
When Steven died, Bryce was so young that telling him Steven was in heaven with Jesus was like telling him Grandma lives in Washington with Papa G. The relevance of Heaven was not there. It was a place. He never asked to call him, like we often had while Steven was at work. He knew we couldn't do that and that was something I never had to explain to him. But he did make comments about wanting to go to Heaven. Imagine your three year old making statements like, "When I go to heaven, can I take my blanket? Can we go to heaven and see Daddy? I wish I were in heaven with Daddy." All comments you never expect to hear out of a 3 year olds mouth.

Bryce is almost 6. He is at a new stage of his grief. His comments are new and in a different form. Its a 5 year old attempting to make sense of death. The other day he asked me, "Mom, I think dad Steven sleeps in an ambulance in heaven." I asked, "Why would you think that?" Bryce said, "Because he had really big owies when he died and since he still is hurt he must sleep in one too." I tried to explain to him that Dad was not hurt any longer. In heaven there is no pain. You are healed. He then asked, "Then why can't Dad come back?" A completely honest question which completely broke my heart. His question made complete sense and I don't think he has ever asked why Steven couldn't back. Why can't he come back if he is better? Again, I had to explain that once you go to Heaven, you don't come back. Conversations I wouldn't wish upon any mother and conversations I never thought Id have with my child.

Bryce is at an age where therapy may benefit him. Before his questions were questions I could manage. At this new stage in his grief, they are becoming too much for me to even understand. So….here is a bit of a frustrated rant about our screwed up mental health care system in this country. I have no doubt why crazy people go into buildings with guns and do what they do. I am not saying this is where my frustration is heading, I am saying that the lack of services these people need to help them with their mental issue are near to none. I have been trying for the past 2 weeks to get Bryce into therapy. I know where I want to take him. I have been given 10+ phone numbers, each from the next person I am transferred to who is supposed to put me on the right track to getting me help, yet none of them have any idea how to help. I am told he needs a referral  from his doctor and then I am told he doesn't because therapy is a private matter. I am told that one insurance will cover it and then I am told there is a new program in place and I need to get a hold of them. I am then told that the program does not qualify him for mental health and I need to go through Medi-Cal (which is a screwed up system in itself). I am a mom on a mission, who will not give up until my son gets the help he needs, but the process of it is such a joke and beyond frustrating that when you mess with a pregnant woman, you are going to get your head bitten off a few times.  I have a grieving 6 year old who cannot get help.

I know the stages of grief for Bryce and Jake will be different as they grow older. Their grief will not go away. It will not go away just because they have a second Dad in their life, it will not go away as time moves on, it will always be there, in different forms in different stages of their understanding of the world around them. As for Jake, I think it will be something he deals with as he gets older. Understanding and realizing that he never knew his funny, smart, hyper and loving Dad.

Its not fair, but it is life. We will continue to deal with grief as it comes in its waves and its questions. Just know that children grieve. No matter how long it has been since they have lost their mom, Dad, sibling or grandparent, there are always questions. As their brain develops and beings to understand the world around them, their grief will come in new forms too. I am starting to see these new stages. Its easy to tuck away our grief and move forward with your day, but it comes up in waves and sneaks up like a cheeta on its prey. It comes out of dark places and having to deal with it has become part of our norm, yet I don't know think I will ever feel a sense of normalcy about it, because life is not supposed to be this way.