"We live in a death-denying culture." I heard this statement on a Showtime preview for a series called Time of Death. I cannot watch it. Not because I don't want to, I think if I could I would, but I do not have Showtime. It was just something I came across. The statement the woman made about our culture today could not be more true. I have found it such a relief when people talk about death. Death of a loved one, death of someone they knew of or their own eminent death. Having faced sudden death in our family more often than others, I wish it was talked about more. I don't want to talk about it to be a Debbie Downer, but I wish it were not such a scary topic. Because it is not, this is what creates the elephant in the room. This is what makes people uncomfortable or unable to make eye contact, the inability and fear to speak about death.
Birth is such a celebration. Of course! The discussion of a new life is filled with such excitement and anticipation, conversation and celebration. The discussion of death is so foreign and taboo. It's scary, yes. It's scary because it can happen at any time, it is out of our control. It's scary because of the unknown. We all have an idea of how we think it will be after this life. We have hope to see our loved ones again, but its also uncertain. Its scary.
Death is eminent. Death will happen to each of us, just as our birth did. I once asked Steven if he was afraid to die. (Completely random conversation) Death used to be my biggest fear. He said he was not afraid to die and I was so surprised by his answer. I asked him why? Why wasn't he afraid of the unknown? He said when it was his time to go it was his time to go. Why live in fear of that? He shrugged it off as if I had asked when he was going to eat a cheeseburger again. When it happens, it happens. I remembered this conversation of ours while I was at the hospital with him saying my goodbyes. I had laid my head on his chest staring up at him. I had stopped sobbing. I was in the room with him, he was already gone. I think a hospice person was in there, my brother came in and was sitting behind me with his arms around me. It was silent. I suddenly felt this crazy calm. My breathing had become more relaxed. Maybe this was when the state of shock had set in. The hospice person told me to listen to Steven. He was speaking to me, calming my soul. This was when I remembered this conversation we had had a few years back. It gave me comfort knowing he wasn't scared. He had come to terms with the fact that one day, it was going to be his time.
Death is not my biggest fear any longer. Like Steven said, when its time, its time. I now know I didn't fear it because of the unknown, I feared it because I felt like I had so much living to do still. I didn't want to leave this world that was so exciting to be a part of. Sometimes I wonder if this is why Steven crammed everything into every hour of every day. Sleep was a waste of time for Steven. He got just enough sleep, but never more than 6 hours. He was up moving the next morning. New project in mind, new hobby, new idea, dirt bikes, cars to fix, riding to do, school to attend, work, work work, phone conversations to have. He never slowed down. Maybe he just knew he wouldn't be here long. There was always such an urgency to do things NOW. Not later, NOW. Busy, moving, always on the go. Its easy to go back now and look at these things and wonder if the world works in weird way and this is why things happened this way or this is why he was this way. Im sure its just the human mind attempting to make sense of something so incredibly hard to understand. I believe death is almost too bog of a concept to wrap the human mind around, like birth. The fact that a baby can be created in 9 months is mind-blowing. Maybe if we talked about death more tho, it wouldn't so hard to try to understand.
Steven wasn't afraid. I am grateful we had that conversation. It was quick and short, but having remembered that conversation, gave me a little ease knowing he wasn't scared.
I wish death was something spoken of more often. I know it makes peoples stomaches turn, but maybe it wouldn't if you talked about it more? I would bet if it were talked about more, widows wouldn't feel so ousted and different. I remember those who came around after Steven died. Those who called, check on me, and made eye contact with me. I will forever be grateful to those few. Few. Some that I had lost contact with and suddenly were calling me daily. Taking me out, stopping by my house, listening to me and asking me quesitons. I also remember those who turned in the other direction in the grocery store because they didn't know what to say. I remember those that just completely avoided me. Next time you see a friend who has just lost a loved one, walk straight up them, hug them, tell them you have been thinking of them. Don't be scared of death. We have just faced it, were not scared any more.
Link to Showtime Preview
http://www.sho.com/sho/time-of-death/home
Friday, January 24, 2014
Friday, January 17, 2014
Out of my control
A few weeks ago, I was harshly reminded that things are out of my control. I hesitate writing about this. Sharing everything, nearly everything, can feel a bit invasive. Yet I know I am not the only one to have had a scare.
I have finally reached a point in this pregnancy where I feel I can function like a normal human being again. Nausea has subsided, somewhat, and my energy is slowly coming back. Realization that I am pregnant is setting in and soon we find out the gender very soon. 15 weeks and counting. I've made it past the worst part, for me at least. Then a stupid me moment. Thursday, while outside with the boys, I was walking into the house and the rug at the door slipped out right from under my foot. I went down on my butt and I went down hard. My shoulder hit the door way and my hands were full so my butt took the brunt of it all. Fantastic. I sat there a minute a little dazed and very sore. Knowing I would hurt over the next few days. I was very thankful though that the fall was on my butt and not my belly. Ok, I thought, I'll be very sore. I got up and went about my day.
The next day, I started to bleed. Not just spot. For those mommies who have been pregnant, you know thats not a good sign. I called my doctor, who would need to take a message and return my call, thanks Kaiser, and opted to go into the emergency room rather than wait. With Kaiser, I had been told my hospital options were only Inland Valley Hospital in Wildomar and Riverside Kaiser. Well Inland Valley is only 10 minutes up the freeway. Easy, right? Not so much. I have not been off that offramp or taken a glance at that hospital since Steven passed. Although in 2008 that hospital was a place of pure joy when Bryce was born, in 2011 it was where we lost Steven. So I assumed my only option was a drive to Riverside. (Yes, this is the great stuff that comes with the loss of a spouse. Things most people wouldn't have to think about, yet gives me anxiety through the roof!) Great. By chance, I decided to call Rancho Springs Medical Center in Murrieta and thank goodness they were also contracted with Kaiser. Travis left work, came home to get me, and we left. Thankfully, Josie was here visiting, which turned into babysitting and she was able to stay with the boys until my mom came over.
Travis and I drove to the hospital, continuing to tell ourselves it was nothing and we would be ok and the baby was ok. My head was reeling, thinking I can't manage another loss. Another loss? No, good things are supposed to be happening. Maybe if this is a loss again, its my excuse to have a complete emotional and mental breakdown. Maybe this is whats going to to do it. Could this be the last straw? I also knew deep down that if it were the worst case scenario, I WOULD be ok. I have to be ok. I don't have time to break down.
Long story short, it was all ok. The fall tore the placenta away from the wall a little, but not enough to cause concern. I was told to continue to watch myself, cramping, bleeding, etc. and sent home.
Seeing that little babies heartbeat was such a relief. Travis was amazed during the entire ultrasound. I don't think I looked at the screen once, I think I watched him the entire time. He asked so many questions. He couldn't believe how active the baby was and that I couldn't feel it. He was in love. It was amazing. We tried to get the nurse to read the gender, but because it was not a medical emergency to do so, she couldn't tell us. We will continue to wait until I am 20 weeks along for that ultrasound.
A fall. Just a fall, on my bottom, could have changed our world.
I have finally reached a point in this pregnancy where I feel I can function like a normal human being again. Nausea has subsided, somewhat, and my energy is slowly coming back. Realization that I am pregnant is setting in and soon we find out the gender very soon. 15 weeks and counting. I've made it past the worst part, for me at least. Then a stupid me moment. Thursday, while outside with the boys, I was walking into the house and the rug at the door slipped out right from under my foot. I went down on my butt and I went down hard. My shoulder hit the door way and my hands were full so my butt took the brunt of it all. Fantastic. I sat there a minute a little dazed and very sore. Knowing I would hurt over the next few days. I was very thankful though that the fall was on my butt and not my belly. Ok, I thought, I'll be very sore. I got up and went about my day.
The next day, I started to bleed. Not just spot. For those mommies who have been pregnant, you know thats not a good sign. I called my doctor, who would need to take a message and return my call, thanks Kaiser, and opted to go into the emergency room rather than wait. With Kaiser, I had been told my hospital options were only Inland Valley Hospital in Wildomar and Riverside Kaiser. Well Inland Valley is only 10 minutes up the freeway. Easy, right? Not so much. I have not been off that offramp or taken a glance at that hospital since Steven passed. Although in 2008 that hospital was a place of pure joy when Bryce was born, in 2011 it was where we lost Steven. So I assumed my only option was a drive to Riverside. (Yes, this is the great stuff that comes with the loss of a spouse. Things most people wouldn't have to think about, yet gives me anxiety through the roof!) Great. By chance, I decided to call Rancho Springs Medical Center in Murrieta and thank goodness they were also contracted with Kaiser. Travis left work, came home to get me, and we left. Thankfully, Josie was here visiting, which turned into babysitting and she was able to stay with the boys until my mom came over.
Travis and I drove to the hospital, continuing to tell ourselves it was nothing and we would be ok and the baby was ok. My head was reeling, thinking I can't manage another loss. Another loss? No, good things are supposed to be happening. Maybe if this is a loss again, its my excuse to have a complete emotional and mental breakdown. Maybe this is whats going to to do it. Could this be the last straw? I also knew deep down that if it were the worst case scenario, I WOULD be ok. I have to be ok. I don't have time to break down.
Long story short, it was all ok. The fall tore the placenta away from the wall a little, but not enough to cause concern. I was told to continue to watch myself, cramping, bleeding, etc. and sent home.
Seeing that little babies heartbeat was such a relief. Travis was amazed during the entire ultrasound. I don't think I looked at the screen once, I think I watched him the entire time. He asked so many questions. He couldn't believe how active the baby was and that I couldn't feel it. He was in love. It was amazing. We tried to get the nurse to read the gender, but because it was not a medical emergency to do so, she couldn't tell us. We will continue to wait until I am 20 weeks along for that ultrasound.
A fall. Just a fall, on my bottom, could have changed our world.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Struggles we all face
After I wrote the previous blog, Travis and I were driving down to San Diego for an afternoon with the boys. We had a chance to talk about the blog, the idea behind it, and what was happening. I was overwhelmed with the response and completely flattered with the words of encouragement. I received several personal messages regarding my strength, grace and ability to live again. Its hard for me to accept compliments. (But don't get me wrong, it reminds me why I am sharing my story.) I don't see myself as anything less than a person trying to survive. Just like the rest of us. Yes, things have been thrown my way in life that are not so normal. Most of my friends will not face what I have had to face, but it doesn't mean they won't struggle. Others will and have faced struggles that I have never and will never face. What gets thrown our way in life makes up our journey. Just because your struggle doesn't involve death of a loved one, it doesn't mean its not your struggle. It doesn't mean its not the hardest thing you have faced. To you, its a struggle and is hard and to me thats valid.
Truly, what it comes down to, is the idea that I believe anyone, ANYONE, in my position would be doing the same thing. I feel like when people imagine the thought of dealing with the death of their spouse or an ill child, your first thought is that you would not survive. I would have thought the same before having to actually deal with it. I really think you would surprise yourself though. As humans, we have this insane ability to adapt. I have adapted. I have adapted to not having Steven in my life. Does it mean I will ever be used to it? No. Does it mean I will ever accept it? Hell no. Death is something that can be far too difficult to wrap your brain around. I believe this is why it is such a taboo topic. But I have adapted. I have chosen to move forward. As hard as the concept is, I know you could too. I don't wish this on anyone, ever. Especially you.
I have met a community of widows who have chosen to live just as I am. In fact, Travis and I had the honor to capture the wedding of a widowed friend of mine I met through an online community. Widows are living, breathing, surviving and moving forward. If I had been the one to go, I would have wanted the same for him.
I have met a woman through my best friend who is going through the struggle of a life time. Her young son is fighting for his life, living with a terminal illness, while she fights an untreatable cancer right along side him. She has often posted updates about her and her son and I have followed their journey over the past year. I have followed it because it is a life I could not imagine living. It is a struggle. It is her struggle. While it is a struggle most of us won't face, it is one I cannot accept. I cannot begin to understand her struggle, as I am sure she cannot begin to understand mine. Her struggle has given me the ability to feel even more blessed than I already had. It has reminded me not to complain about the car line at Starbucks (which I totally did and then felt like an idiot), to not feel so annoyed when my kids are sword fighting with their forks at the kitchen table (currently happening) and to feel thankful for this moment.
Travis and my conversation came down to myself realizing that my story does the same for others.
I will continue to share and continue to give HOPE.
Travis and my conversation came down to myself realizing that my story does the same for others.
I will continue to share and continue to give HOPE.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Starting off the New Year right...
New Years Resolution #1- Blog
I started this new blog while Jake was in the hospital last October. I never shared it. I am always so hesitant about that. Sharing my life is something I don't think most would care to read. Its my life! Come on, often I'm not that amused by it, why would someone else be? Isn't my life just like yours? What I've found this past year, is actually it's not. We all have our own paths we have taken in life. We all have a different story to share. So I can't help but wonder, why is mine any different than yours? Many of my friends from high school are married, kids, some divorced, working, raising babies and living life. Let me say, I know one other person, who like me, is widowed. So, that in itself is different. A different that no one understands or wants to understand, yet is intrigued to understand. I think the intriguing thing about that part of my life is what happens after your spouse dies? It's a place we never want our minds to go to. Why would we want to think about that? But I was forced to face it because my husband died. (Saying that still makes me sick). When you lose your spouse, you have a choice. Curl up and stop living, or live. There were many, many days I curled up, but in the end I chose to live. Some days I don't want to, but most days I do. Those days of not wanting to live are fewer and further apart as life goes on. This is for a later blog.
Why else is my life not so normal? This last year has been one of insane challenges with our son Jake. I have a son with a chronic illness. I have a son with a chronic illness. I have a son with a chronic illness. Yes, I just said that 3 times. It has taken me almost 4 years to accept this. Sometimes I still don't want to believe it. This last year, we spent our longest trip in the hospital, a full 2 weeks. The reason we got to leave was because this mama put her foot down and stated that we wanted to treat it all at home. I had an exhausted and very angry 3 year old who was very over each and every nurse and doctor and a mama who just wanted to be home. I have a son with a chronic illness. This means I constantly live on edge. Will he take a fall today and send us to the ER tonight? Will he have a bleed? Will he spike a fever? These questions and hundreds more are never far from the front of my brain. Exhausting is to the say the least.
So, with these challenges, I have started two blogs, linked above. I have gotten thru these challenges by reading others blogs, I am hoping my blog will do the same. Give others HOPE. Also, it gives my kids something to read some day. It gives me something to read. I not only have widowed brain, which Im still not sure when it goes away, but I also have prego brain. Yes prego brain, for those of you that don't know. So, my brain lacks space to remember much. What I love about blogging is I can look back and say, oh yes! That happened.
So, read on, live on and love on. Life goes on. We must choose to live it. 2014 Resolution #1, complete. Now off to read a book….
I started this new blog while Jake was in the hospital last October. I never shared it. I am always so hesitant about that. Sharing my life is something I don't think most would care to read. Its my life! Come on, often I'm not that amused by it, why would someone else be? Isn't my life just like yours? What I've found this past year, is actually it's not. We all have our own paths we have taken in life. We all have a different story to share. So I can't help but wonder, why is mine any different than yours? Many of my friends from high school are married, kids, some divorced, working, raising babies and living life. Let me say, I know one other person, who like me, is widowed. So, that in itself is different. A different that no one understands or wants to understand, yet is intrigued to understand. I think the intriguing thing about that part of my life is what happens after your spouse dies? It's a place we never want our minds to go to. Why would we want to think about that? But I was forced to face it because my husband died. (Saying that still makes me sick). When you lose your spouse, you have a choice. Curl up and stop living, or live. There were many, many days I curled up, but in the end I chose to live. Some days I don't want to, but most days I do. Those days of not wanting to live are fewer and further apart as life goes on. This is for a later blog.
Why else is my life not so normal? This last year has been one of insane challenges with our son Jake. I have a son with a chronic illness. I have a son with a chronic illness. I have a son with a chronic illness. Yes, I just said that 3 times. It has taken me almost 4 years to accept this. Sometimes I still don't want to believe it. This last year, we spent our longest trip in the hospital, a full 2 weeks. The reason we got to leave was because this mama put her foot down and stated that we wanted to treat it all at home. I had an exhausted and very angry 3 year old who was very over each and every nurse and doctor and a mama who just wanted to be home. I have a son with a chronic illness. This means I constantly live on edge. Will he take a fall today and send us to the ER tonight? Will he have a bleed? Will he spike a fever? These questions and hundreds more are never far from the front of my brain. Exhausting is to the say the least.
So, with these challenges, I have started two blogs, linked above. I have gotten thru these challenges by reading others blogs, I am hoping my blog will do the same. Give others HOPE. Also, it gives my kids something to read some day. It gives me something to read. I not only have widowed brain, which Im still not sure when it goes away, but I also have prego brain. Yes prego brain, for those of you that don't know. So, my brain lacks space to remember much. What I love about blogging is I can look back and say, oh yes! That happened.
So, read on, live on and love on. Life goes on. We must choose to live it. 2014 Resolution #1, complete. Now off to read a book….
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