Best Mother's Day gift ever

Happy 6th Birthday to Bryce! I can't believe that 6 years ago today, on Mother's Day, I was made a Mommy.  He was the best Mother's Day gift ever. I was honored today to share this day with him, and like most moms would be, totally okay with making the day all about him. And we did!

We have a 6 year old. Its hard to believe Stevens almost been gone as long as Bryce had him in his life.  Steven would be so proud of him and also so incredibly challenged. He would probably be calling his mother apologizing for being such an ornery kid and giving her such a hard time though out most of his childhood. When Bryce threw the boulder-size rocks over the fence into the neighbors pool a few weeks ago while watching to see if anyone was around, I can't help but think this is his Dads mischievous nature. Bryce loves reading, baseball, legos and has enough energy to keep everyone in this house on their toes. He apparently knows everything, hmmm…sounds like someone else we know and never stops talking unless he has his headphones on rocking out to Kings of Leon, Gaslight Anthem or Bad Religion. (I know, not the best choice for a 6 year old but he rocks). I am grateful to still have so much of Steven left in my life with this ball of energy.

Each year these birthdays, holidays and milestones bring on a new realization for me. This year, I realized that Steven would not ever get the chance to share his experience of becoming a Dad to this kid. I can remember that day well, even after 28+ hours of labor. I remember when Bryce came into this world and the doctor said it was a boy. I remember saying, "I knew it!" and I remember seeing him and crying and the doctor telling me not to cry because it was making me move too much. After that moment, I passed out.  I was exhausted to say the least. After that were moments only shared between Steven and Bryce. Steven got to go off with him and hold him first. Steven walked out to tell all our waiting family, "It was a boy" (something we do have on video). But how he felt, those moments, are something he will never get to share with Bryce, and for that reason, I feel so sad and feel Bryce was so robbed. Of course I could tell him exactly how his Dad felt, but that will never compare to the way Steven would tell it.

Steven is not here to experience these milestones with Bryce. He will soon miss Jakes 4th Birthday. The realization in that is he has now missed 3 of Jakes birthdays. He was only here for one. One. Each year will be another moment gone, missed and a new realization of what he is missing. As heartbreaking as it is, we keep moving forward. We keep moving on. This was a choice I made from day one. Something I read on a widow blog right after Steven passed was a mother who said, "My kids already lost their dad, they couldn't lose their mom too." I have always kept this in my head. Although some days I am so ready to throw in the towel, like most moms I'm sure, I made the decision to keep moving forward.

What I do know for sure, we are beyond blessed to have Travis share these new milestones, birthdays and occasions with us. Travis has not just stepped in as the man figure in their lives. He has jumped, feet first, into helping me raise two boys that will be outstanding men some day. He has committed himself and his entire life to them without ever thinking twice. Its surreal that he is here and has never looked back. There were several moments today where I stopped and looked around. I watched Travis hug his boys, jump all over the trampoline park with them, chase them at the beach and drive us home safe at the end of a long day. He carried each sleeping boy upstairs and put them into their beds. I was grateful that I wasn't alone in this and beyond grateful that he loves those boys as if they were his own. As if he were there the day they were born.