I can't seem to sleep tonight. At 25 weeks pregnant, its become a little harder to get comfortable at night. I hate saying that so early in my pregnancy, I know I have a long ways to go, but its true. So, I'm up and flipping around pages on the internet and started reading my old widowed blog. I have never gone back and read old posts, for obvious reasons. The fear of taking my mind right back to those awfully painful places. Which is what I did. As I read, I found I was so sad for that girl. I was so heartbroken for the me. The girl with the two babies attempting to make sense of a situation that made no sense. That girl that was hurting beyond belief and insanely lost.
Since losing Steven, I have had many friends send new widows in my direction. I am grateful they feel they can do that. I remember after Steven died, I spoke with a friend/family member who was widowed as well. It was the most comforting feeling to talk to someone who said, "I get it and you will be ok, because I am ok. It just takes time." There is something different in those words when it comes from someone who gets it, rather than your mom or friend who knows I will be okay one day, but still doesn't get it.
When I hear these new widows stories, my heart breaks for them. I know the journey they are about to embark on. I know the nights they will drink a glass of wine or take a sleeping pill just to go to bed without laying there waiting for their husband to come home. I know the letters they will get in the mail addressed to their husbands years down the road and the phone calls they will get asking for their husband by name, only having to say they died. I know the looks they are going to get when their kids are throwing a tantrum in the grocery store and you are about to break down too and you feel like all the eyes on you are because you look like a dumb single mom who got knocked up by some loser father who left, when thats not the case at all. (Don't judge people too harshly. You have no idea what their struggles are). I just know. I am glad that my name can be given to them so they know they are not alone. Whether they contact me or not, I just want them to know they are not alone.
Sometimes I don't feel qualified to be a widow anymore. I am remarried, I am happier than I ever thought possible, I am having a new baby. This is not something widows do. But I am, I am still a widow. Right before Travis and I were married last year, it suddenly came to mind that I wouldn't be a widow any more. I wouldn't have to mark the "widowed" box on paperwork. I could fill in Travis' name on the boys paperwork under father, which was something that took time to get used to. I felt like when I did that, it was just washing away Steven. I felt like I would dishonor him by not giving him some sort of acknowledgement to the boys name. Filling out paperwork also made me want the other person to know that the boys had a great dad but he died and thats tragic and he wasn't a deadbeat who left. Travis' response to my quizzical thought was that I was still a widow and will always be a widow. I am just a remarried widow. I was sad and relieved all at the same time.
As I read back through my old blog posts tonight, I felt the urge to rush upstairs and cuddle my boys. I am so grateful Steven left me these two vibrant and exciting kids. (I say that in the most sincere way possible. LOL.) They are fun and full of energy and although most days I spend yelling at them, I am so so so glad I have them. In the year after losing Steven, they were my huggers, my criers, my cuddles in bed and the reason I got up each morning. I also remember being glad that I had a 3 year old that could hold an adult conversation. Who could communicate all his needs and was insanely helpful. Bryce is and was an awesome kid. I don't know how I would have ever made it through those first few months without them. I am glad I had the ability to blog about it. Those 3 months after losing Steven are such a blur. I lived in such a fog. Reliving that fog is painful, but it is also so real.
Off to kiss my sleeping boys, and my sleeping husband. Whom I am beyond grateful for. He's for a later blog….which Im sure he would appreciate. xoxo
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