This is one of the first pictures I can remember taking after Steven died. July 2011. The boys and I had gone to Seattle to stay with Stevens mom and dad for a few weeks. Just to get away I guess. I honestly don't remember much from this trip. I vaguely remember watching the boys play in the grass. Jake was crawling still. He also took his first steps on this trip. Steven missed Jakes first steps. Thats hard to let sink in. I also remember the plane flight home. Both boys were crying, I was alone and knew I looked like a crappy single mom when all I wanted to do was tell everyone that my husband had just died so please don't judge me. No one knew. Not one person on the plane knew that my life had just been turned upside down. No one knew I was walking in and living in a fog. The thickest fog I had ever experienced. Makes you wonder what the person next to you is going though. Makes you feel bad for judging that lady in the store or the homeless guy on the street. You really don't know their story.
This picture tells so much. When I come across this picture, I literally feel like I fall into it. I fall into that stage of grief. I get it. That girl in the picture is just surviving. She is breathing and moving and being a mom because her body just does that. I remember feeling like I wasn't living. It wasn't possible. I smiled because that what you do. The pain behind those eyes is so deep and so unimaginable. So lost. Those first few months after Steven died were such a fog. I felt like a zombie.
Being in pictures would get easier as time moved forward. I needed to be in pictures because I needed to keep living. I needed to keep breathing. I needed to feel human and alive. Just that little piece of me.
Today, pictures are a huge part of our lives. With a husband who is passionate about photography, pictures are in so many aspects of our lives. Pictures tell so many stories. Looking back on all of our pictures, they begin to tell a story of a family, a Dad, a widow, a survivor, love again, and so much more. I remember being so glad I had so many pictures of Steven and the boys. When you think you don't want to be in a pictures because you are too big or too old or your hair doesn't look right, remember that the pictures will tell a story of that moment in time that you can never get back.
Here are just a few pictures that tell our story. All of these pictures are worth 1,000 words…
 |
| Bryce with his Dad Steven. Jake was in the hospital at Loma Linda. May 2010 |
 |
| Jake with his Dad Steven in Maui. April 2011. A trip I am beyond grateful for. |
 |
| June 5, 2011 |
 |
| Our new life |
 |
| Bryce age 3 and Jake age 1. We stayed at my parents a lot in 2011. |
|
Camp Widow 2011
 |
| Jakes 1st hospital admittance after Steven passed. |
Lighting a candle for Steven as a victim of crime
 |
| Stevens Birthday we spent camping with family. |
 |
| Fall 2011 |
 |
| Christmas 2011 |
 |
On Bryces 3rd birthday, Steven was given the chance to travel for work across country and take a class.
I encouraged him to go, Bryce would have plenty more birthdays.
Never knowing that would be the last Steven would be around to see. |
 |
| Summer 2012 |
 |
| Blessed by this guy |
 |
| Bryces 1st Sport. Soccer. Travis as the coach. |
 |
We become a family.
Married Travis July 2013 |
 |
| Summer 2013 |
 |
| Hospital trip October 2013 |
I recall that first photo is the one you used for your Widowed Village profile. I can still remember the powerful feelings that overcame me when I met you and Kristen and Tonya in person at Camp Widow 2011. You beautiful young girls I first got to know in Widville - along with Crystal and Deneice and Stacey - who were finding your way through life's unfairness were instrumental in helping me place my grief in perspective. I carry each of you in my heart ... always ♥
ReplyDeleteThank you. I'm pretty sure you're right about that picture. You cans camp widow will always have a special place in my heart.
Delete