.: Year 4

As I write this, three little boys sit behind me making fart noises at the table and cracking up. Bryce says, "Lets see who can fart the longest." They are now both making fart noises persistently and arguing over who was louder and could do it longer. This is what my days are made of and I couldn't be more grateful.

4 years ago I never would have imaged my life as it is today. I know a lot of us can look back at our lives and be surprised at where we have ended up. I think that just proves that we truly don't have control over our lives. Its in His hands, its in the universes hands, its not in our hands, as much as we think it may be. I used to think I had things in control, I used to think I could manage the world. That was until Steven was taken from me.

I felt prepared for today. I told Travis a few days ago that this year, I felt prepared. The first year on this day, I felt it was such a blur and I was just breathing to get by. The second year I felt the loss. The third year Jake had an MRI which left my mind occupied and stressed. This year, I felt I could manage it. I thought wrong. This year, I am just sad. Unbelievably, deeply sad. Grief comes and goes like a wave of emotions. Sometimes those waves are big and they knock you down unexpectedly. I had so much to say and share. Now I can't seem to find the words. Blogging will need to be left for another day. Today, I just need to breath.

What I miss the most about Steven is his ability to find humor in anything. His ability to be silly and not give a crap about who is watching. I've decided to share old videos and pictures, many that I don't think have ever been shared. Its a bit cathartic sharing these. I enjoy watching them and seeing the pictures, but the reminder of what is not here is nearly unbearable. I hope today you all live in the moment, look around you and appreciate every bit and piece of everything good in your life. We don't have control over now or later or tomorrow or where we will be in 4 years. Breath it in, smile and live.

I can remember sitting on the couch and Steven walked by. He stopped, did this on the back of the couch, and kept walking. I could not stop laughing. I made him do it again so I could take a video and send it to Amanda who would appreciate all the weirdness in it.

I'm pretty sure this sums him up

Steven and Jake 2010

Steven playing Star Wars with Bryce