Jake turns 5

I cant seem to figure out where the last 5 years have gone. They are such a blur. Full of fear, heartache, grief, love and life. Jacob Anderson Castellano, born May 27, 2010, turned 5 today. Jake changed my life. He made me in to the person I am today. He has shown me strength I never thought I had. When Steven and I found out we were expecting again, we were thrilled. We were looking forward to giving Bryce a sibling close in age and rounding out our family. During my pregnancy, my brother and sister in law lost their son. It was heartbreaking and tragic. I felt guilt for the thought of soon to be having two while their whole world was lost. I was anxious and confused and grieving the loss of the most beautiful nephew the world has ever seen. A month after Kaden passed, I went in for my 20 week scheduled ultrasound. At this point we were not going to find out what we were having. That was until the ultrasound technician became very quiet and left the room. He brought a doctor back with him. The doctor was very quiet as well. I can remember Steven and I anxiously making eye contact before the doctor told me he would like to send me to a specialist. He said he couldn't confirm anything, but it looked like the baby had a tumor or growth on its spine. Shock set in. Steven was very calm about it all. He would say, "Lets not worry until there is something to worry about. Until we know for sure how serious this is." Easier said than done. He left the doctors office in his car and headed back to work. I on the other hand sat in the parking lot and cried. I feel like I did a lot of crying during my pregnancy with Jake. I sometimes wonder if my negative energy fed into his issues at birth. (I know this is not the case, but thats just typical mommy guilt). Steven and I then visited a specialist who confirmed he did have what looked to be a tumor on his spine, also known as a Sacrococcygeal Teratoma. The doctor gave us a quick rundown of what it was and then gave us our options. Carry the baby or terminate. Well termination was not an option for me, so Steven and I quickly left that office and never looked back.

At this moment, I knew I needed to fight for my baby. I found an inner strength and stubbornness (which had always been there). I researched doctors and hospitals and medical needs. I found others who had survived and printed information for my new doctors. I found a great specialist at Loma Linda who gave me such amazing one on one care. We were going to fight this and we were going to win. The hope was that I could carry him to at least 32 weeks. At 35 weeks pregnant, this doctor came to me and said that the growth seemed to be changing, and after talking for several weeks with her doctor husband, they came up with a new diagnosis, KT Syndrome. 

On the day Jake was born, 10 doctors waited in the room next to me to quickly examine him and make sure if life saving measures were needed, they were ready. Suddenly, this screaming little 8pound 8 ounce boy came out and the doctor held him up. I remember him telling Steven it was okay to look and take pictures. So he did. 

In the year that followed, we frequented Loma Linda and Rady Childrens. Searching for an answer. Jake had IV poke after IV poke, screaming and crying tantrums that I could only assume were because he was in pain. He had bleeds, clots, fevers and infections. He has MRIs and drainages. He had doctors puzzled and a mom learning how to stick up for her son. Life in that first year was exhausting and draining. Steven and I were barely holding ourselves together, let alone our little family. Near Jakes 1st birthday, we received an official diagnosis and plan of attack. We were learning Jakes needs and hospital trips were no longer a scary thing. We were regulars.

9 days after Jakes 1st birthday, Steven died. 

I don't really know how to follow that. My heart breaks for Jake. My heart breaks for Steven. Jake will never get to feel that love that Steven had for him. 

Thinking back to where I was 5 years ago, I never would have fathomed that I would be sitting here today writing this. Sitting here in a house, no longer married to Steven but widowed.